Cervelo P5: The Perfect Bike To Piss On
captains got a pretty fuggin serious disdain for triathletes pissin on themselves
but like anything
If your gunna fuggin do it
do it right
which makes he introduction of the triathalon specific P5 no small fuggin deal
not cuz there no fuggin other bikes you couldn’t piss on
cuz you could piss on a custom Form ti singlespeed 29er
not that you fuggin would
well maybe some xterra deuche fuggin might
but thatd be just fuggin wrong so let’s not even think about it
but think about this
why not piss on a trek speed concept
treks the fuggin company that single handedly fugged Klein lemond and reduced fisher to a sticker on a top tube
big picture wise all piss worthy things in theory
but in practice it’s the details that sometimes matter most
and the P5 has 3 details the trek don’t
1. Starting with the obvious the P5 has full airfoil sections. air migh not know the difference between the cam tail n he real deal. But when your dealin with piss the last thing you want is a flat fuggin surface on the back of the top tube for your pee droplets the splatter off of. what you want is the razor fuggin edge of the cervelo which can cleave the fuggin droplet in half cleanly to maintain laminar fuggin flow in the downward direction. Otherwise your feet n shins are gunna be covered in pee spray.
2. UCI illegal seat tube angle. It’s a fact, there’s a fuggin intrinsic fuggin reflex that if your penis is pointed at your mout yaint gunna be able to start a stream. but, yah open up that hip angle tri style, and now were talkin on off like on on a faucet.
3. hydraulic fuggin brakes. now your thinkin that’s fuggin right. no breaking is shittier than a piss soaked carbon fiber brake track. that’s a fuggin fact. but unlike you captain realizes these aint no fuggkn disk brakes n no amount of 90s revival hydraulic caliper anything is gunna make a shitt eatin difference when it comes to a break pads n pissed on carbon fiber.
so what’s the fuggin point?
Point fuggin is, is hydraulic lines = no fuggin brake cables. n anybody with a Belgian ancestor knows a thing or two about gummed up fuggin brake cables. n anybody whose ever pissed on one, namely the triathletes, knows piss n brake cable do not fuggin mix.
so there yah fuggin go.
finally a ten thousand dollar plus bike worth pissin on.
just don’t stop at no fuggin post ride caffe.
captain sees you doin that shit
he’s gunna set down his tecate on the bar
walk across the street
n belittle you in front of the fuggin barista your trying to hit on
Notes
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